you have no idea...and neither do i

fleeting thoughts of the future...remain in my mind and aren't so fleeting. they settle in and become unwanted house guests. i have no flippen idea what will happen in the future. i am not a five-year-plan-person. i am not a two-year-plan-person. i want to be. i want to be that person and have the security that all my plans will come to fruition. but i mean...i can't even begin to be that person. i have no plans to push forward, because i guess...in my heart of hearts...i only want what God has for my life. and he's not one for keeping me in the loop.

today i became more ok with this. because even though i don't know what will happen, i have today in front of me. i have more than enough to be thankful for. i continue to learn through the things i'm not so thankful for. and i am getting more and more excited rather than scared for what's to come.

i realize i think way too much. and dang i'm weird. hats off to my friends, seriously.
going to pull on my rain boots today. it is raining. although that's irrelevant to whether or not i wear them.

and all the wiser you will be

part one. so here i am, walking through life, all the while trying to learn something new. i know from experience that sometimes learning feels like you're being dragged through a pit of broken glass with an evil flying monkey squirting lemon juice into your eyeballs and laughing with glee. basically...it sucks. BUT i also know from experience that once it's over with you will look back and nod your head through the pain and know that you've become stronger and wiser because of it. sometimes it takes longer than other times. sometimes it's hard to not regret what you've been through, or hard to see what the point of it all was. you feel like you've messed up, and wish you could do it all over again. [hypothetically speaking, right?]
sometimes i wish i was the person i used to be. back when my heart was innocent and whole. i could strive and strive to be that person again, but i would really be cheating myself. i cannot go back, i can only move forward. and why deny myself the reality that this patched up, sewn together, bloody heart is way more beautiful and wiser than it was before. it is a gift in disguise and i do not want to throw it away.

part two. i thought i knew what it meant to love people. i thought i understood the teachings of the most loving man who ever lived. i have not yet arrived. one of my friends told me that we don't just tolerate people, we really love them. and recently my eyes have been opened to this reality. a revelation, i guess you could call it. have you ever learned something that has shifted your worldview so much that you feel like you're a new person? that everything seems to make a little more sense? that you feel inspired to go be a better person? ya me neither. no i'm kidding, that's exactly what happened. love will always be a mystery to me, but yesterday i realized it doesn't need to be complicated. just love people. without borders, boundaries, limits. sometimes it will mean offending some in order to love others. the call is great and the need is evident. love people.

crunchy leaves and thoughts of me

my eyes have been opened to what's right in front of me. i felt weighed down with the weight of the world on my two little shoulders. but thankfully my daddy is pretty strong and took care of that for me. there is joy in today. friends are so fantastic. family is precious.

Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life. |proverbs 4.23|

current inspirations and fleeting thoughts.
rediscovering old musical favorites.
embracing the beauty in each day to it's fullest.
sharing in another's happiness.
letting go of what's holding you back.
being sure of something.


i'm so light i could fly | i am a bird
i know my roots run deep | i am a tree
i am so thirsty for salt | i am a fish

little girl can't you see? this is the life i have for you. who you are meant to be.

all my thoughts and heart talks.

"keep a green tree in your heart for your free dream"

this is what is written on the first page of my present journal. When i bought it from the store on Granville island, it was already printed there on the page, with 10 straight lines underneath, waiting for someone's free dream to be written there. To this day it remains blank. How can i sum up the dreams of my heart in 10 small lines? The journal is now almost full. Full of adventures and stories, hurts and joys, and dreams. I may just write in the empty lines "see following pages". Because my dream wasn't formed when i was 8 and wanted to be a marine biologist. Because when i hit high school i discovered i had no passion whatsoever for biology. My dream wasn't formed when i took dance lessons, went on band trips, played soccer, or ran around the track. I thank God that he didn't give me an incredible, natural ability to do something exceedingly well. Such as singing, a sport...something that makes you who you are. Something that defines who you are. You enjoy it because you're great at it, and your whole life is devoted to it, hopefully all for the glory of God. Because i need the desperateness of not knowing. I need to trust my God every day in what he has for me.
I have been involved with children's ministry, youth ministry, street ministry, elderly ministry...I have been involved in "ministry" my whole life it seems. And I have to say that I'm not drawn to any one more than the other. Some areas are more comfortable for me, but i always love a challenge. I have absolutely no idea what God has in store for me. But i have dreams. And those dreams could take me anywhere. I know these things for certain: that I can trust in my Jesus every day with everything. That I want to spend my life risking everything i have for the one who gave it all to me, with the ones i love at my side.

el amor incondicional

it doesn't make sense. it's anything but rational. it's not just a feeling. not just an emotion. when i look to the example of Christ i see a reflection of these things. it didn't make sense to any of his closest friends. it was by far a rational decision; to take the blame for something he didn't do, all for the sake of saving the ones he loves. he is a real man. he feared the outcome of his decision of love. it was the hardest thing he ever did and none of us can ever comprehend the gravity of this decision. i pray that i can live my life with a fraction of this love for other people.

this love between God - through Jesus - and his children is beautiful. and over the past few months i have seen glimpses of it. unconditional. without condition. our love at the best of times is flawed. but WOW when i see God's love in action...there is nothing more beautiful. it's contagious. and it's our call and duty to love as Jesus loved. the smallest action, the softest of words can have the biggest impact. but why stop there. do something BIG. don't just help an old lady cross the street and consider your good deed done for the day. Breathe in your God. Soak him in every day so that he seeps out of your pores. So that everyone you come into contact with will see that you walk with the Creator. Like Moses when his face was shining with the glory of the Lord. He wasn't more "holy" than anyone else. He simply had the desire to walk with the Lord and he sought his face.
there are some people that are a little harder to love which challenges me. and there are some people who teach me more about love. there are some people who allow me to better grasp the unconditional love of Christ. i am blessed.

how long will you wait?

what does it take to get people to acknowledge that God exists? I'm not even trying to get into the whole "if God is love why did this happen?" stuff. Let's just start with square one. Does he exist? Let's put it this way. Close your eyes and imagine you have lost everything. I mean....everything. Food, water, all material possessions, your home, your family, your friends, your job, your money, your identity, your country. everything. What will you do? WHAT will you turn to. will you call on your inner chi, your personal bubble of happiness to get you through? buddha? i really want to know what you have to turn to. Close your eyes and imagine that situation. what would you do. I know that in that situation, believer in Christ or not, your soul will long to cry out for Jesus. BECAUSE it's in our DNA. we are all created by him after all. It's like an adopted child who has grown up then one day realizes they feel lost. like they don't belong. Because their blood runs thick with something else. They go in search of their Father. Except in this case we were never left in abandonment. We simply left. Return. Return to the Father because really how long will you wait. Once you meet him, you will know that he is LOVE he is LIGHT and yes the world still spins around and NOT one person can explain death and destruction but can we all just turn to the One who brings life...[eternal].

i am sick...

...of people making me feel like an idiot. i feel so small. i hate feeling small. some people know how to do it quite well. how do i love them? in that moment of me shrinking into a grasshopper, how do i look up at that shoe coming down to squish me and love them? i try. in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt,

No one can make you feel inferior
without your consent

Well i give consent way too easily then.

second thought of the day, and a much happier one. so i have this "journey blog" right...like one where i am supposed to update people on where i am in the world and how my days in Europe are going and all that wonderful stuff. Well. what if i decided i don't want to go to Europe anymore? Because it's just not me. It might be fun to do with someone. But to go discover that stuff on my own? I don't think that is me. Aaaaaaand this process of discovering what is "me" and who i am and what i want, i realize has already begun. This is it. It's part of the adventure already. It doesn't start when i get on a plane or sit on a foreign beach or meet people with sweet accents. It is now. And i want it to be that way. i don't want to keep looking forward to the next big thing, the next lesson i will learn. I've been missing out on the everyday lessons God has for me. What can i do for you today God? today.


What DO i want? i want to hop into my beloved Clementine, throw a single suitcase into the back....ok make it a big one....and drive to California. Just go. Learn to surf. breathe in the sea. We'll call this Plan #72 or something like that...but maybe just maybe this one will fly.