regret isn't in my vocabulary

sometimes learning is fun and sometimes learning feels like hell but i have LEARNED that learning is always necessary. i never want to be stuck in the same spot, doing the same routine. referring back to what i've wrote before, i never want to be oblivious and stuck in my own little box. i have learned that friends are important and you need to hold on to them no matter what. and do you know what charlie bartlett? there is more to life than being well liked. and i don't want to waste my life being concerned about how many people like me. i have learned that i prefer squished hard ice cream over soft ice cream, that i am a spender but i wish i was a saver, that i have a permagiggle, that i have the ability to consume large amounts of rice (pause to quote mitch hedberg: rice is great...if you are hungry, and want 2000 of something), and i have also learned that i will never stop learning.

and he will make me laugh

i don't even know why i bother making plans anymore. i feel like i only make plans so that i have something to satisfy people's questions...but the next time they see me they say "why aren't you in europe? are you graduated yet? i thought you were going to join the circus!" and i have to admit that my plans have changed again and i'm so weird even the circus rejected me. i'm in a place of trying to figure myself out. and it's hard when i have 'sort of plans' and 'tentative plans' and 'hopeful plans' and 'probably not plans' and i just don't know what's going to actually happen and what won't. i guess that's where i tell myself yet again to chill out, live in today, and let Someone a lot wiser take care of the rest. i guess i would call myself a dreamer. i have so many dreams i can't keep track of them. i guess one of my greatest fears is that i will die without ever accomplishing any of them. i'm tempted to throw myself halfway across the world in a situation completely foreign with no predetermined plans of what i am to do, and just see what happens. i think that in that situation i will begin to discover who i truly am. i want to be surrounded by people who know nothing about me. but then again, that's a pretty lonely thought.

this is real life

she lives her life as if she doesn't care what people think...because she doesn't. her ambitions and dreams are her own. her personality, style, decisions aren't affected by people's opinions. when she laughs she doesn't care if others don't think it's funny or perhaps others will be embarrassed for her...but she isn't. she isn't embarrassed for who she is. she doesn't dress to impress but to express. she orders whatever she wants and eats it all, not concerned about who's watching or thinking she's a pig. she doesn't need to check her hair in every window...not because her hair is perfect, but because it isn't and she doesn't care. she doesn't care about what sells, she creates what she feels like creating. she doesn't concern herself with matching her voice to the rest. she speaks on her own...and she speaks loud.


[who i hope to become]

getting ripped

[some days i feel like a little girl]
actually i haven't been to the gym in a long time...it's on my to do list. but i have been getting stronger. and it is my prayer that my strength comes from God and not walls that i place around myself. i don't want walls.
i want to be content with who i am, and i want to find that contentment on my own. i can honestly say im really looking forward to these next months in my life. i don't know what this season of my life will bring, but i know that good things are coming my way.
people kept telling me over and over that i am strong. i didn't know if i believed them or not, and i knew that i definitely didn't feel strong. but im learning that true strength comes when we admit we are weak.
hope is a very powerful thing. remember to hope...and i promise there is always something to hope for.

"sky open up and listen to me. there's got to be something worth dreaming" [the watson twins| sky open up]

i like to make lists. i dont know why but i just do. if you need a list for anything, let me know and i will make you a fantastic list. what to pack for a certain trip, reasons why you should or shouldn't do something, a to do list, shopping list, list of random things list. well today here is my incomplete list of things that make me happy.

walking on warm windy nights
a new package of crayons
sweaters...i have a slight obsession
old people holding hands
sunny days
seeing people busting out by themselves in their car (i'm not alone)
waving back at someone then realizing they were waving to the person behind you
when you're walking past someone and you both go to pass each other on the same side, and then you both step to the other side at the same time...and it continues awkwardly
awkward moments in general
when Black moms get angry out of love for their children...it's a beautiful thing


i a m s t r o n g

home calls my name

this is my excited face. and for some reason i do this raised eyebrow thing unintentionally. most of my facial expressions are unintentional and then later i regret ever allowing my picture to be taken when it pops up on facebook. of course, i can untag myself...but who am i kidding? the photo is still up there for the whole world to see. i seriously do have this problem where i'm completely unaware of what my face is doing and i end up sending people the wrong message....or i end up giving my thoughts away which i thought i was keeping to myself....ok way off topic...excited face! why? because i just realized how excited i am to be moving home again. i have had many many homes in the past few years, but i haven't lived at my real home for way too long. i can't wait to be near my family, and for everything to feel familiar again. there is a time for change, but i feel like i have been moving, moving, changing for so long that i need a break. and to spend an entire summer in port? yes please. that's like...probably the best way to ever spend a summer and i highly recommend it. i feel like i'm already in summer mode. the homework side of my brain is unfortunately shutting down and all i can think of is "what can i do today that's really fun and has nothing to do with homework?"
so i guess i just wrote this to say i'm thinking of home and i can't wait to actually be with my family again for more than just a visit!

the frost melts away and all i wanna do is drive to california

the sun like today makes me want to be at the beach. to see the ocean and breathe it in. i am so far away and i don't like it. i guess i've always taken it for granted where i live, where i can go to the lake whenever i want [and not just any lake... i swear it's the best they get] or take a short drive to some of the best beaches in the world and hang out by the ocean. i just always thought that's the way it will always be.
i am glad the seasons are changing. because it's reflecting what's happening inside of me as well. i'm changing. i'm moving forward...and the days are becoming sunnier. i laugh more. my smile is coming back, and i am sooooooo glad. dang there is still so much crap i need to figure out. but i can handle that, one day at a time. and it also doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt anymore because it does. but it no longer consumes my thoughts. and for that i am thankful. i am becoming stronger.
i am in an interesting place with God. but then again...when is any walk with God not interesting? i love my friends more than ever, and i can listen to music again. when i realized i didn't want to listen to music anymore it scared me.
i miss my family, im pumped for summer, and i love rice.

time for tea

i love tea. and i love taking the time to sit and drink tea and just be. i like the days when i can look at the way the sun lights up the day and just appreciate it. i love finding beauty in simple things.
i was trying to put into words what i feel today, and i couldn't quite do it. then i remembered something i wrote a long time ago and it says pretty much exactly how i feel right now.

October 21, 2007

peace of mind.
breathe.
breathe deep the breath of God.

Matthew: 6:30-34 (the message)
What im trying to get you to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

breathe. just breathe