getting ripped

[some days i feel like a little girl]
actually i haven't been to the gym in a long time...it's on my to do list. but i have been getting stronger. and it is my prayer that my strength comes from God and not walls that i place around myself. i don't want walls.
i want to be content with who i am, and i want to find that contentment on my own. i can honestly say im really looking forward to these next months in my life. i don't know what this season of my life will bring, but i know that good things are coming my way.
people kept telling me over and over that i am strong. i didn't know if i believed them or not, and i knew that i definitely didn't feel strong. but im learning that true strength comes when we admit we are weak.
hope is a very powerful thing. remember to hope...and i promise there is always something to hope for.

"sky open up and listen to me. there's got to be something worth dreaming" [the watson twins| sky open up]

i like to make lists. i dont know why but i just do. if you need a list for anything, let me know and i will make you a fantastic list. what to pack for a certain trip, reasons why you should or shouldn't do something, a to do list, shopping list, list of random things list. well today here is my incomplete list of things that make me happy.

walking on warm windy nights
a new package of crayons
sweaters...i have a slight obsession
old people holding hands
sunny days
seeing people busting out by themselves in their car (i'm not alone)
waving back at someone then realizing they were waving to the person behind you
when you're walking past someone and you both go to pass each other on the same side, and then you both step to the other side at the same time...and it continues awkwardly
awkward moments in general
when Black moms get angry out of love for their children...it's a beautiful thing


i a m s t r o n g

home calls my name

this is my excited face. and for some reason i do this raised eyebrow thing unintentionally. most of my facial expressions are unintentional and then later i regret ever allowing my picture to be taken when it pops up on facebook. of course, i can untag myself...but who am i kidding? the photo is still up there for the whole world to see. i seriously do have this problem where i'm completely unaware of what my face is doing and i end up sending people the wrong message....or i end up giving my thoughts away which i thought i was keeping to myself....ok way off topic...excited face! why? because i just realized how excited i am to be moving home again. i have had many many homes in the past few years, but i haven't lived at my real home for way too long. i can't wait to be near my family, and for everything to feel familiar again. there is a time for change, but i feel like i have been moving, moving, changing for so long that i need a break. and to spend an entire summer in port? yes please. that's like...probably the best way to ever spend a summer and i highly recommend it. i feel like i'm already in summer mode. the homework side of my brain is unfortunately shutting down and all i can think of is "what can i do today that's really fun and has nothing to do with homework?"
so i guess i just wrote this to say i'm thinking of home and i can't wait to actually be with my family again for more than just a visit!

the frost melts away and all i wanna do is drive to california

the sun like today makes me want to be at the beach. to see the ocean and breathe it in. i am so far away and i don't like it. i guess i've always taken it for granted where i live, where i can go to the lake whenever i want [and not just any lake... i swear it's the best they get] or take a short drive to some of the best beaches in the world and hang out by the ocean. i just always thought that's the way it will always be.
i am glad the seasons are changing. because it's reflecting what's happening inside of me as well. i'm changing. i'm moving forward...and the days are becoming sunnier. i laugh more. my smile is coming back, and i am sooooooo glad. dang there is still so much crap i need to figure out. but i can handle that, one day at a time. and it also doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt anymore because it does. but it no longer consumes my thoughts. and for that i am thankful. i am becoming stronger.
i am in an interesting place with God. but then again...when is any walk with God not interesting? i love my friends more than ever, and i can listen to music again. when i realized i didn't want to listen to music anymore it scared me.
i miss my family, im pumped for summer, and i love rice.

time for tea

i love tea. and i love taking the time to sit and drink tea and just be. i like the days when i can look at the way the sun lights up the day and just appreciate it. i love finding beauty in simple things.
i was trying to put into words what i feel today, and i couldn't quite do it. then i remembered something i wrote a long time ago and it says pretty much exactly how i feel right now.

October 21, 2007

peace of mind.
breathe.
breathe deep the breath of God.

Matthew: 6:30-34 (the message)
What im trying to get you to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

breathe. just breathe

smile. you're on camera

i don't like the feeling of people watching me. i don't like being the center of attention. but sometimes i find myself in a position where people are supposed to be looking up to me. when i lead a girls group or i'm a youth intern or a student leader there are people who are looking up to me. i may look like i'm keeping my cool on the outside but internal freakouts are a regular occurence for me. why me? i don't have it all together. i try soooo hard sometimes to just do everything right so that everyone "watching" thinks that i know what i'm doing and i'm responsible and i have my head on straight. i need to buy a huge bottle of chill pills because seriously! why do i try so hard? someone casually threw this comment at me last summer but it stuck. he said "danielle, it's about being first...then doing".
but then i go off again. trying...as if it would actually make a difference.
so this is a reminder to myself to just. be.

break.through

there is a time when you feel like you're in a box. and as much as you want to get out of it, you enjoy being inside it's secure walls. people keep telling you it's so much better outside of this box. there are trees and grass and music and friends and such lovely things. and you believe them. you truly do. but you are just content to sit inside your box and play with your little bugs because that is what you're used to. deep down there is a longing to go run in the fields and feel free but there is something stopping you. at the moment you don't really care about what you can't see. you lie to yourself that being inside this box is the best place for you to be right now.
one day your legs start cramping and you make this decision to want to get out of this box. you don't know how. but that doesn't matter. the decision has been made. in that instant something changes. the air seems clearer and you just can't wait to get out of this damn box. you begin to hate it's walls. you want to scream. you just need to run again.
the beauty comes when you realize you can't get out of the box on your own and there's relief when you realize you don't have to. He comes to break those walls away, take our hand and say 'run my child, for my freedom is for you. you were not made to live inside a box'