i don't like the feeling of people watching me. i don't like being the center of attention. but sometimes i find myself in a position where people are supposed to be looking up to me. when i lead a girls group or i'm a youth intern or a student leader there are people who are looking up to me. i may look like i'm keeping my cool on the outside but internal freakouts are a regular occurence for me. why me? i don't have it all together. i try soooo hard sometimes to just do everything right so that everyone "watching" thinks that i know what i'm doing and i'm responsible and i have my head on straight. i need to buy a huge bottle of chill pills because seriously! why do i try so hard? someone casually threw this comment at me last summer but it stuck. he said "danielle, it's about being first...then doing".
but then i go off again. trying...as if it would actually make a difference.
so this is a reminder to myself to just. be.
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