adventure awaits

the home stretch of five years and where oh where am i.
i have become collected while scattered. and let me explain.
i wear my heart on my sleeve. what you see is what you get. and what you get i give. whatever i do in life, i never want to miss out on anything. so that wherever i go, i breathe it in. whoever i meet, i try to love unconditionally. in this way, i have been scattered. pieces of me have been left behind with places, with people. home has become a fluid concept. my friendships have widened and deepened. when i am in any given place, with any given person, i am there. however there are still those pieces that are a part of me and are somewhere else. i guess this is the bittersweet symphony of reckless abandon.
quite a few times this has torn me apart. i have felt lost, alone, confused. those pieces of my memories, my present, and my future dreams seemed to collide and i could no longer organize them.

i have written before about my beautiful mess of a life. that i cannot change, and dont really want to. that's where i become collected. i am whole. because these scattered pieces are a part of the whole, beautiful, mess that i am. i guess if you wanted to catch a glimpse of my life and how i live it, you could watch me create something. i may start with paint. or paper. or a huge piece of cardboard. i never start with a plan, simply a piece of inspiration. i use my hands and strive to create texture in everything. it doesnt have to make sense. it often doesnt.
and who are we to try to make sense of the world? i would rather make a beautiful mess of these collected pieces, and have a damn good time doing it.

cultivate me

in one of my previous posts, i said i am not much of a planner. i lied. i realize that even if it is sub-consciously, i plan and plan and plan. i think part of it is just being a girl. sometimes i don't like to admit that i'm a girl; that sometimes i'm emotional and idealistic. i guess what this comes down to is learning how to deal with life when it doesn't go the way i planned or expected...which happens quite often actually. It's quite remarkable how the Bible contains answers to our petty little problems...it's like...God actually cares about us! crazy hey? And he knows how to care for me, better than i know how to care for myself. Like a good farmer. This is where Isaiah 28 spoke to me this morning. it starts with a warning for those who give in to their humanly desires. is it because God doesn't want them to have fun? not at all. it's because he knows even better than us what the outcome will be, and that we will be doing ourselves a favor if we listen to him.
To me the verse says that if we tune ourselves into God now, it might be a little painful. It may feel like grains of wheat being beaten on the threshing floor. It may feel like punishment, but really, it's our lifeline. It will save us from even greater pain later. A wise farmer knows what he's doing; what he's planting, why he's cultivating, and when he will harvest.
i do not want to fight against such a wise farmer. i don't need to be afraid of him.
cultivate me.

you have no idea...and neither do i

fleeting thoughts of the future...remain in my mind and aren't so fleeting. they settle in and become unwanted house guests. i have no flippen idea what will happen in the future. i am not a five-year-plan-person. i am not a two-year-plan-person. i want to be. i want to be that person and have the security that all my plans will come to fruition. but i mean...i can't even begin to be that person. i have no plans to push forward, because i guess...in my heart of hearts...i only want what God has for my life. and he's not one for keeping me in the loop.

today i became more ok with this. because even though i don't know what will happen, i have today in front of me. i have more than enough to be thankful for. i continue to learn through the things i'm not so thankful for. and i am getting more and more excited rather than scared for what's to come.

i realize i think way too much. and dang i'm weird. hats off to my friends, seriously.
going to pull on my rain boots today. it is raining. although that's irrelevant to whether or not i wear them.

and all the wiser you will be

part one. so here i am, walking through life, all the while trying to learn something new. i know from experience that sometimes learning feels like you're being dragged through a pit of broken glass with an evil flying monkey squirting lemon juice into your eyeballs and laughing with glee. basically...it sucks. BUT i also know from experience that once it's over with you will look back and nod your head through the pain and know that you've become stronger and wiser because of it. sometimes it takes longer than other times. sometimes it's hard to not regret what you've been through, or hard to see what the point of it all was. you feel like you've messed up, and wish you could do it all over again. [hypothetically speaking, right?]
sometimes i wish i was the person i used to be. back when my heart was innocent and whole. i could strive and strive to be that person again, but i would really be cheating myself. i cannot go back, i can only move forward. and why deny myself the reality that this patched up, sewn together, bloody heart is way more beautiful and wiser than it was before. it is a gift in disguise and i do not want to throw it away.

part two. i thought i knew what it meant to love people. i thought i understood the teachings of the most loving man who ever lived. i have not yet arrived. one of my friends told me that we don't just tolerate people, we really love them. and recently my eyes have been opened to this reality. a revelation, i guess you could call it. have you ever learned something that has shifted your worldview so much that you feel like you're a new person? that everything seems to make a little more sense? that you feel inspired to go be a better person? ya me neither. no i'm kidding, that's exactly what happened. love will always be a mystery to me, but yesterday i realized it doesn't need to be complicated. just love people. without borders, boundaries, limits. sometimes it will mean offending some in order to love others. the call is great and the need is evident. love people.

crunchy leaves and thoughts of me

my eyes have been opened to what's right in front of me. i felt weighed down with the weight of the world on my two little shoulders. but thankfully my daddy is pretty strong and took care of that for me. there is joy in today. friends are so fantastic. family is precious.

Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life. |proverbs 4.23|

current inspirations and fleeting thoughts.
rediscovering old musical favorites.
embracing the beauty in each day to it's fullest.
sharing in another's happiness.
letting go of what's holding you back.
being sure of something.


i'm so light i could fly | i am a bird
i know my roots run deep | i am a tree
i am so thirsty for salt | i am a fish

little girl can't you see? this is the life i have for you. who you are meant to be.

all my thoughts and heart talks.

"keep a green tree in your heart for your free dream"

this is what is written on the first page of my present journal. When i bought it from the store on Granville island, it was already printed there on the page, with 10 straight lines underneath, waiting for someone's free dream to be written there. To this day it remains blank. How can i sum up the dreams of my heart in 10 small lines? The journal is now almost full. Full of adventures and stories, hurts and joys, and dreams. I may just write in the empty lines "see following pages". Because my dream wasn't formed when i was 8 and wanted to be a marine biologist. Because when i hit high school i discovered i had no passion whatsoever for biology. My dream wasn't formed when i took dance lessons, went on band trips, played soccer, or ran around the track. I thank God that he didn't give me an incredible, natural ability to do something exceedingly well. Such as singing, a sport...something that makes you who you are. Something that defines who you are. You enjoy it because you're great at it, and your whole life is devoted to it, hopefully all for the glory of God. Because i need the desperateness of not knowing. I need to trust my God every day in what he has for me.
I have been involved with children's ministry, youth ministry, street ministry, elderly ministry...I have been involved in "ministry" my whole life it seems. And I have to say that I'm not drawn to any one more than the other. Some areas are more comfortable for me, but i always love a challenge. I have absolutely no idea what God has in store for me. But i have dreams. And those dreams could take me anywhere. I know these things for certain: that I can trust in my Jesus every day with everything. That I want to spend my life risking everything i have for the one who gave it all to me, with the ones i love at my side.

el amor incondicional

it doesn't make sense. it's anything but rational. it's not just a feeling. not just an emotion. when i look to the example of Christ i see a reflection of these things. it didn't make sense to any of his closest friends. it was by far a rational decision; to take the blame for something he didn't do, all for the sake of saving the ones he loves. he is a real man. he feared the outcome of his decision of love. it was the hardest thing he ever did and none of us can ever comprehend the gravity of this decision. i pray that i can live my life with a fraction of this love for other people.

this love between God - through Jesus - and his children is beautiful. and over the past few months i have seen glimpses of it. unconditional. without condition. our love at the best of times is flawed. but WOW when i see God's love in action...there is nothing more beautiful. it's contagious. and it's our call and duty to love as Jesus loved. the smallest action, the softest of words can have the biggest impact. but why stop there. do something BIG. don't just help an old lady cross the street and consider your good deed done for the day. Breathe in your God. Soak him in every day so that he seeps out of your pores. So that everyone you come into contact with will see that you walk with the Creator. Like Moses when his face was shining with the glory of the Lord. He wasn't more "holy" than anyone else. He simply had the desire to walk with the Lord and he sought his face.
there are some people that are a little harder to love which challenges me. and there are some people who teach me more about love. there are some people who allow me to better grasp the unconditional love of Christ. i am blessed.