change it.

time goes by fast, time goes by slow, time goes by. life happens. it happens whether we enjoy it or we don't. i guess the past few months haven't been so enjoyable for me. i have a job and as a job it's great. i now run a youth ministry, and i love this ministry. i have a family which is awesome and i love being able to live near them and help them with their various ventures [which have recently included pulling the entire contents out of our pantry to make room for gazillions of jars of the world's best salsa]. so you may be thinking "well that sounds great, you shouldn't have anything to complain about". and that is very valid. i shouldn't. but i do. and i don't admire that aspect of myself, complaining is never attractive. of course lately it hasn't been complaining it's been more of exhausted, frustrated, ranting, venting sessions that my poor dear of a mother has to listen to and slowly speak simple words to help lower my blood pressure. ok i'm exaggerating, but ya i have been so exhausted lately. and i guess that's the problem. when you mix all these great things together it starts to form something overwhelming. when i get like this i know the solution. i know all the answers. i know that i need to chill out, make time for myself, say no to people, and stop feeling bad about it. but i learned something about myself recently. i am a people pleaser. i have labeled myself with that term and i'm working to get rid of it because i am constantly disappointed in myself when i don't meet up to other people's expectations of me. when i know i have failed someone, when i have let someone down, when someone is disappointed in me, it's like the milk has drained out of my cornflakes through a hole in the bowl and i'm left with the gloriously soggy remains. i hate that feeling. it's probably my second worst. yes i rate them.

so, with this feeling in mind i collapsed on the couch one evening and said out loud "i don't like my life right now!" for one being so opposed to drama all the time...go me. without skipping a beat my wise mother says "change it".
so i did. well, at least i'm trying. what has changed? basically just my attitude, my outlook on life, and realizing that i need to narrow down my priorities and focus on those. i can't take on people's expectations...those i need to get rid of. i need to know that i can do the unexpected when fully relying on the Maker of Time. i need to take every day as it comes. this is just part of the cycle for me. tomorrow i very well could be ranting and raving about how i don't have enough hours in the day and i just want to quit everything and move to malta (seriously have considered it). but for now, for tonight anyways, i'm going to trust. as my mom likes to say [wow mom, three shout-outs today, lucky lady!] it's not what you got, it's who you know. Ya, that's from Maid in Manhattan, she likes to pull out quotes from movies and make them spiritual, she's cool like that. peacing out...